The seven Fan-Fics of Hell
by Hellmaster Shippou
Summary: Lina and the group must go through seven fan-fics in order to get back home,
1. Default Chapter

THE 7 FAN-FICS OF HELL  
  
Prologue  
  
Long before humans lived, dragons were not the only rulers  
of the planet. Giant birds with long crimson wings burned the sky with  
their strong fires. The dragons feared that these majestic birds, these  
Phoenixes, would destroy or enslave all the dragons. So they gave the  
Phoenixes all their powers to show that the birds were superior. The  
Phoenixes took this gift and bestowed this on themselves, and died. For  
the power that they bestowed on themselves backfired like the dragons  
planned, and swallowed every one of them up. Except one, the head  
Phoenixes daughter, she did not trust the dragons and went into hiding.  
She got all the Knowledge of the dragons and stored it in a single  
feather. The dragons never mentioned anything about this event and they  
never will. But after the evaluation humans some humans found this  
ancient Phoenix and learned from it. And on her deathbed she asked them  
to wait for her human reincarnation to reclaim the power she is leaving  
behind. But when she came to reclaim her power they must give her seven  
tests to make sure she is the one. But after thousands of years of  
waiting she came but something happened and she died, until she came  
again once more.  
  
  
Long ago before Lina, Guorry, Amelia, or Zelgadis were born, another  
small red-headed girl wandered the planet searching for powerful magic.  
She called herself J-Chan, no one knew her full name and anyone who found  
out her full name... would soon die a strange and horrible death soon  
after. No one knew of her past, her family, or her age... except for one  
person, T-main. She used to be A Magic Teacher for rich children. But one  
day some spoiled kid pissed her of so she did a small Shaman on the kid.  
The kid wasn't hurt, until he fell out of the castle window...six stories  
up. Now T-main is wanted for murder, there is actually six Billion  
dollars on her head. Actually three quarters of that money is her food  
bill from across the land. It was about five years before J-Chan beat up  
a very powerful, high honored, famous, dangerous, brilliant, perverted  
sorcerer. He told her about a legend of the forbidden power which stopped  
her from killing him. This power was hers, yet she did not quite know it.  
Through the Valley of Deadly Cute Things is where the story starts. . . .  
.  
  
  
"J-CHAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaaan, STOOOOOOOP!"  
J-Chan turned around to see what T-main was griping about. "What."  
"Where are we going, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I NEED TO RELIEVE MYSELF."  
"(Sigh) there is a rock over there, and there, and there . . . wait a  
minute . . .we're in a valley! WERE SURRONDED BY ROCKS!"  
" What does that have to do with me relieving myself?"  
" T-main, see that rock?"  
" Could you point to it? There ARE a lot of rocks here." J-Chan pointed  
to a huge rock that was right next to her.  
"That rock, and as you can see it's big enough to hide you from nothing  
in this valley because no one is here and everything is dead."  
"Done!"  
" You went that quick?"  
" Yeah I didn't need to that bad." J-Chan made her I'm-pissed-so-don't-  
do-anything-stupid-for-a-while-face. " T-main, I'm pissed. Please don't  
do anything stupid for a while."  
" I know, I know, I could tell by your face. And oh yeah look what I  
found." T-main took out a red and blue ball  
"What is it?"  
"I don't know but I think this white thing in the middle is some kind of  
button."  
" Well don't press it." It was to late, T-main pressed the button and out  
came some kind of yellow mouse slash rabbit. J-Chan gasped at first site  
of the hideously cute... thing.  
"The rumors were true! T-main we have to kill it."  
T-main quickly grabbed the hideously cute monster.  
"No! It's just a hideously cute it little mouse and look at its eyes,  
it's to cute to harm."  
  
As T-main held the mouse she did not notice she was strangling it.  
"PI . . .KA . . ."  
" Oh my god, it talks cute too! Come on say something else!" The little  
mouse had enough  
" Pika-CHUUUUUU"  
A bolt of lightning stuck T-main. J-Chan made no hesitation, " GAVE-FLARE  
" *WOOSH sizzle*  
" T-main are you OK! "  
T-main got up slowly  
"NO but... IT"S STILL MOVING"  
T-main started kicking the half burnt mouse while it made this funny  
noise.  
"Piheeee, Piheee."  
" OK T-main, that's enough."  
" Gasp, Gasp* OK lets go on, stupid mou... Oh my god! J-CHAN BEHIND YOU" J-  
Chan turned to see some kind of pink thing that was more hideously cuter  
than the mouse chanting something.  
" Clefairy, Clefairy"  
"I am not taking any chances, Fire-ball" T-main looked at J-Chan with a  
worried face.  
" What's going on" J-Chan looked at T-main seriously. " I heard that  
nobody comes in this valley because it's full of Hideously Cute Animals  
That Kill Anyone Who Enter. "  
" Why didn't you tell me? " J-Chan looked at T-main.  
" Because I really didn't believe that stupid story until now, and it may  
be days until we find the entrance to the Phoenix temple."  
T-main made a weird face. "What temple, hey, just where are we going,  
didn't you say we were going to the town of Camarillo?" J-Chan looked at  
T-main annoyed.  
" I told you while we were walking out of the last town we were in."  
" You mean when you we mumbling something to yourself about a temple. "  
"I was not mumbling... I was... mumbling, now lets go and get this over  
with."  
  
A few hours later . . .  
"Hey were here"  
J-Chan stopped and looked at a temple carved out a rock with a phoenix  
like design on the face of it. T-main walked happily behind her eating  
the rest of her unfortunate meal.  
"Wow, these cute animals taste really good."  
J-Chan took a bite "Hey, and right down to the last bite!."  
" Yeah, this is the best meat in the world... hey why didn't we fly to get  
here? It would have been a lot quicker."  
" In the legend I also heard that there was some kind of shield thingy  
and if you flew over it you were struck by some invisible force and you  
would plunge to a rocky death."  
" Oh... so what do we do now?"  
" Find a way in but that won't be a pro- " J-Chan was suddenly  
interrupted by a voice more annoying than Macy Grey, Cher, and the Spice  
Girls singing 'It's raining men' with the Rob Zombie band playing in the  
back round.  
" Stop evil Pokemon killers."  
J-Chan turned around to see a boy surrounded by horribly cute animals."  
" I'm Ash Kecthum of Pallet Town and-." Ash was interrupted By T-Main  
"Wait, is that your name or are you literally ash."  
Ash looked confused " My name IS Ash"  
"Oh, you poor thing! What monster of a mother would name their child Ash!  
Do you want to cry?"  
Ash was starting to get angrier than he already was.  
"Listen you monsters, *starting to cry* you will be punished for what you  
did. And with the power of friendship and love I have with these Pokemon  
I will-" Ash was cut of by T-main's sudden burst of laughter.  
"Bwahahaha, hahaha, I'm sorry keep going ahahahaha."  
Ash was starting to turn red. " With the power of Love and friendship  
that-" He was cut of by another sudden burst of laughter again this time  
J-Chan.  
"hehehe, Bwahahaha giggle... I'm soooo sorry hehahahah Please continue."  
"WITH THE POWER OF LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP-" Ash was interrupted by both of  
their laughter, "Bwahahahahahaha hehehehehehe"  
"That is it! Pika-Chu I choose you."  
With those words another yellow mouse jumped onto his shoulder. T-main's  
voice went from sounding happy to having the voice of Chichi and Xena  
warrior princess, pissed of.  
"Stand back J-Chan I'll handle this." As T-main brought out her beating  
stick a huge balloon flew over them and steam started spewing from it.  
"Ha, ha, prepare for trouble"  
"And make it double" ash looked up " It's Team Rocket."  
  
To protect the  
world from devastation  
To unite all  
people within our nation  
To denounce the  
evil of truth and love  
To extend our  
reach to the stars above  
  
Jessie  
  
James  
Team rocket blast  
of at the speed of light  
Surrender now  
or prepare to fight  
  
Meowth that's right  
  
  
  
"Team rocket what are you doing here?"  
Jessie and James just stared at the boy "What?"  
"OK Ash, think, what is the reason why we always come after you?"  
" Um... well, YOR NOT GETTING PIKA-CHU TEAM ROCKET!"  
Jessie and James started clapping "Very good Ash"  
"Shut up Team Rocket, now beat it."  
Jessie smiled, "I'm afraid we can't do that Ash."  
All of a sudden a cat jumped up from the balloon and started talking.  
"You see Ash, we figure since were in a fan-fic we can get violent and  
say words like asshole and go *#$! Your mom."  
"Hey I don't do that anymore so shut up!"  
Everybody just stared at Ash while Pika-Chu climbed off of Ash's  
shoulder.  
"That's sick kid."  
" Well I'm not afraid of you guys. You probably still have your same  
Pokemon and I have mine including some from the valley. So it's like  
fifty to two, three if you include Meowth, so why don't you just give up  
now?" James and Jessie laughed then Jessie turned to Ash  
"We have improved on our battling skills and you're going down,  
literally."  
" Oh yeah, well let's see what you've got."  
"How bout a bullet"  
"Huh, I've never heard of a Pokemon called bullet."  
Jessie pulled out a gun. "And you never will" *BAM* Ash was down on the  
ground.  
Jessie turned to James.  
"James, will you do the honors."  
James pulled out a pad with a big red button on it.  
"I thought you'd never ask" James pressed the button and the Giant  
balloon shot out bubbles witch caught all the pokemon in it including  
Pika-Chu. They were then sucked into the balloon and carried of to the  
boss of Team Rocket where they will be sold and butchered.  
  
Just after the balloon sucked in the Pokemon and flew of a red headed  
girl ran to the body of Ash and cried with all her heart. "Ash *sob* oh  
Ash, what about my bike? WHAT ABOUT MY B-I-K-E!"  
  
While all this drama was going on the two sorceresses sat in the back  
drinking ice cold Pepsi. (Pepsi, the drink that every sorcerer and demon  
drinks, drink or die.) T-Main turned to J-Chan.  
"J-Chan, were did we get these refreshing ice cold drinks from? They  
really quench my thirst!"  
"I don't know, but these drinks really hit the spot after all the  
traveling."  
"J-Chan?"  
"Yes T-Main"  
"Then why are we talking about them?"  
" . . .I don't know nor do I seem to care, if it's poison I'd care. And I  
think I know it's not poison."  
"Oh yeah you with the whole Bigger-Evil-Sadist-brother thing." J-Chan's  
face went pale. "I don't want to talk about it. Right now we must enter  
that temple get whatever power awaits us."  
"Then we eat?"  
"And then we eat."  



	2. The seven Fan-Fics of Hell part 2

THE 7 FAN-FICS OF HELL  
Episode One ( Beaten Down )  
  
It's a hot summer morning and the group finds them selves waking up  
in an unknown place with no memory to which how they got there.  
  
  
Lina: Someone tell me this is a dream, someone tell me that someone cast  
a sleeping spell one me and I'm dreaming.  
  
Gourry: OK, this is a dream, someone cast a sleeping spell on you and  
your dreaming.  
  
Lina:....  
  
FwaPOW! Lina hit Gourry in the head.  
  
Lina: Shut up Gourry, ( GASP ) this isn't a dream, I felt that.  
  
Gourry: Itai! I felt it to.  
  
Amelia: Ware are we then?  
  
Filia: Oh no, how are we supposed save the world from Darkstar, what are  
we going to do, I need some tea.  
  
Zelgadiss: Yeah Filia, lets drink tea when Darkstar is about to destroy  
the world and were lost.  
  
Filia: But it calms me down, I NEED TEA, SOMEONE GIVE ME TEA.  
  
All of a sudden a hand came flying at Filia's face ( WHAP )  
  
Lina: Filia calm down you don't need any tea, and it's not the time for  
tea.  
  
Amelia: ( Gasp ) Mrs. Lina you don't think we're in a . . .  
  
Lina: NO, we can't be! Not now!  
  
Zelgadiss picked a piece of grass and put it in his mouth.  
  
Zelgadiss:... It's paper.  
  
Amelia: Oh no.  
  
Gourry: what, What's going on?  
  
Lina: Were in, a fan-fic.  
  
Amelia: Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.  
  
Gourry: WHATS GOING ON! And what's a fan-fic.  
  
Filia: Hey! What happened to the five weapons?  
  
Everybody started looking around and didn't see anything, when all of a  
sudden a certain mazoku with purple hair fell on Filia.  
  
Filia: AAACK  
  
Xelloss: Oh my, I hope that hurt.  
  
Filia: Xelloss... YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!.  
  
Xelloss: I certainly wish I had, but sadly I must say it was on accident.  
  
Filia quickly pulled her mallet out and hit Xelloss in the head ( BAM )  
Xelloss' power to teleport and fly was gone.  
  
Xelloss: Well.... that's a first. I can't seem to float or teleport, but  
do I still have my other powers?  
  
Xelloss pointed his hand across the field and blasted a ball of enormous  
energy.  
  
Xelloss: Well I seem to have my powers in tact.  
  
An explosion erupted way across the field and scream of villagers right  
after it.  
  
Lina: Oh, there seems to be a village across the field.  
  
Xelloss: Oh, what a coincidence.  
  
All of a sudden a godly voice erupted from the sky that filled the air  
mystery.  
  
Hellmaster_S: I am Hellmaster_S, and I will be your author for today.  
  
Scripts all of a sudden showed up at their feet.  
  
Hellmaster_S: I think you know the routine.  
  
Lina: Yeah, so what's it about this time.  
  
Xelloss walks up next to Zelgadiss.  
  
Xelloss: Ooooooh I do hope it's a yaoi lemon.  
  
Zelgadiss: Bram Blazer! Don't come near me.  
  
Hellmaster_S: NO it is not a yaoi lemon and it's not going to be.  
  
Xelloss: Chikusho!  
  
Zelgadiss: ( Shiver )  
  
Hellmaster_S: It pretty much tells you what your motivation is and what  
you'll be doing, but the script only goes to the first chapter. So you'll  
be pretty much be on your own after the first chapter is done but you  
will pretty much get it.  
  
Gourry: How come I didn't get a script?  
  
Everyone is silent.  
  
Lina: Gourry, their is a reason for that, but I'd rather save my strength  
tell when I need it.  
  
Hellmaster_S: OK, you all know what to do . . . except Gourry. So  
everything is going smoothly, except the burning village over there. Your  
going to have to go to that town over there but watch out they were kind  
of expecting you.  
  
Lina: Weeeell, I guess well go the other way then.  
  
Hellmaster_S: Well I'll see you all later, maybe.  
  
Amelia: It say's that were walking to a town called Zefrin.  
  
Zelgadiss: Well I think Xelloss just destroyed it, and he said that  
their expecting us so we probably should go in the opposite direction.  
  
Lina: Zelgadiss is right, what does the script say?  
  
Filia: It says that you Lina find out some information while the rest of  
us are... attacked by angry villagers.  
  
Lina: Well let's not waste any time, LETS GO!  
  
Zelgadiss: I am not going anywhere.  
  
Lina: Zel come on, you want to get out of here right?  
  
Zelgadiss: Of course I want to go back but being attacked by angry  
villagers isn't my forte.  
  
Amelia: He has a point Ms. Lina, you're not the one being attacked by  
angry villagers.  
  
Xelloss: I don't mind.  
  
Filia: I'm not surprised.  
  
Lina: Hey now peoples lets get it together, if you're not attacked by a  
mob of angry villagers we won't be able to get home and save the world.  
Would you rather stay here, in a world you don't know, you would rather  
abandon all that you have worked for.  
  
Gourry: Could you repeat the question?  
  
Lina: GOURRY! Don't say anything for a while, a loooong while.  
  
Zelgadiss: ( Sigh ) Fine.  
  
Amelia: Why don't we cast a sleeping spell on the villagers or fly even?  
  
Filia: The script says that there is a seal over the village that will  
erase any small magic attack that anyone cast. Only big special big  
attacks will work while inside the village.  
  
Lina: Also we don't know who gives me the information, so you guys will  
just have to run for a while.  
  
Gourry: Run! What do you mean? What's going on? You aren't going to hurt  
us are you? You're going to hurt us aren't you? Why Lina, why, I didn't  
do anything did I? Do I smell? I promise I'll take a shower just don't  
cause me pain!  
  
Silence.  
  
Lina: . . . Gourry, I want to hit you I really do, but I must save  
strength. All you need to do is be quiet and do as I say.  
  
Gourry: ....K  
  
Lina: OK people you have your choices except Gourry, A) Get beaten by a  
mob of angry villagers or, B) get beaten by me. I'll go with either  
choice you pick because either way you're all going.  
  
Lina put on such a huge smile even Zelgadiss was frightened.  
  
Amelia: OK...lets.... get beaten up so we can go back and save our world... (  
SOB )  
  
Lina: That's the spirit Amelia, let's go so you can all get your asses  
kicked.  
  
Filia: Wait a minute Lina it doesn't say we all get attached by an angry  
mob.  
  
Lina: Do you want to go to plan B?  
  
Filia: NO!  
  
It took the group about... ten, fifteen minutes to get there and when they  
got there a giant mob arose from the village. But Lina fell in a ditch  
hidden by grass leaving the rest of the group running, Now Lina is on her  
own looking for the information that will help them on their new quest.  
  
Lina: Mmmmm, Barbecued dragons tail (drool), with a side order of corn  
soaked in butter ( slobber ) with  
( sob ) cheddar cover potatoes, chocolate covered marshmallows ( gurgle)  
and the most delicious thirst quenching ... PEPSI!  
  
After Lina fell into the ditch two of the angry villagers found her ,  
they thought Lina was a little girl. And they thought she was attacked by  
the evil ones who used a giant spell to destroy half the village. Lucky  
for Lina they owned a restaurant on the other side of the village.  
  
Lady: Little girl what's your name?  
  
Lina: It's (Crunch Chew , chew gulp ) umm.  
  
Lina thought for a second. If they figured out that she was with the  
others or that she wasn't from this world there would be serious  
problems.  
  
Lady: Don't be afraid, you can tell us, I'm Arisu and that man that was  
with me earlier is my husband Lavits.  
  
Lina: I'm Lain, Lain Sinpain.  
  
Arisu: What a beautiful name, Lain, ( giggle ) soon you'll grow up, and  
be as beautiful as you are now.  
  
Lina: ( Blush )  
  
Arisu: And might even develop a little, but don't get your hopes up (  
giggle).  
  
Spwoooooooooooot! Lina spit out Pepsi in Arisu's face.  
  
Lina: Oh my I'm sorry I thought I saw a bug in it and it scared me.  
  
Arisu: That's...quite all right, I'll go wash up.  
  
As Arisu left two men walked in and sat in front of Lina, one was dressed  
up as a sorcerer and the other one a bandit.  
  
Sorcerer: So are the rumors true, do you have this map that will lead to  
ultimate power.  
  
Bandit: Yeah, I swiped it off some weird traveling monk, actually he gave  
it to me and told me I would deliver it to a flat chested, red head. (Jay-  
Chan)  
  
Lina clenched the fork she was holding and was trying not to jump and  
kill the bandit... yet.  
  
Sorcerer: What did this monk look like.  
  
Bandit: Well he wore a back cloak, with a red cross on the front, and he  
had long smooth black hair, and red shades.  
  
Sorcerer: Whazup.  
  
Bandit: Huh.  
  
Sorcerer: Did he say... Whazup  
  
Bandit: Yeah, he did but it was kind of longer like,  
whazuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.  
  
Sorcerer: The Monks of Whazup, It was said they were all murdered, but  
they live, they guard a power more powerful than the dragons. But what's  
this a about a flat chested red head?  
  
Bandit: He said a flat chested red head, so it must be a girl.  
  
Sorcerer: Yes but how flat, flat as paper, a leaf.  
  
Bandit: Maybe she just doesn't have any.  
  
Sorcerer: Could she be flatter than that?  
  
Bandit: She couldn't be that flat.  
  
Sorcerer: Maybe she's just flat to the point there is no amusement.  
  
Bandit: That is the only possible solution.  
  
Sorcerer: ... So it must be some little girl around the age of nine.  
  
Just then the sorcerer felt an evil presence behind him, but before he  
could react ( BAM ) Lina hit him with a pan and he was out.  
  
Bandit: What the, Oh my god you have red hair, AND A FLAT CHEST!  
  
( BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM ) the bandit was out  
and might never recover from the coma he's in. Lina took the map and  
stomped out of the restaurant.  
  
Lina: LOOK WHOS FLAT NOW!.  
  
Everybody in the restaurant looked and backed away from the really  
ticked red head. All of a sudden she was pulled into an alleyway.  
  
Lina: Get you hands of me you PERVERT! FIREBALL! ICE ARROW! BIAM BLAST!  
Oh wait I forgot! UPPA CUT!  
  
Amelia: Mr. Gourry? Are you Okay?  
  
Lina let her eyes adjust and saw the beaten Gourry convulsing on the  
ground.  
  
Amelia: Why did you do that Ms. Lina?  
  
Lina: He shouldn't have snuck up on me like that. . . where's Filia?  
  
Zelgadiss: She ran off in the opposite direction and we haven't seen her  
since.  
  
  
All of a sudden a huge blast came from the other side of the village,  
overhead it was a golden dragon firing laser breath out of her mouth.  
Suddenly eight boys run by with looked like a piece of Filia's dress.  
  
Lina: OK people it's time to go, we' re going to run out in the open so  
Filia can see us, Xelloss do that magic attack you did earlier. Aim at  
Filia but don't hit her, we have to warn her that we are leaving.  
  
Xelloss: BWAHAHAHAHAHA. . .ahem . . . as you wish Lina-chan.  
  
As the group ran through the town a mob of angry villagers formed behind  
them, recognizing the ones who destroyed half their town.  
  
Xelloss aimed and released a huge ball of energy towards the flying  
dragon but in his attempt to actually hit and kill Filia he was hit by a  
rock which scattered the ball of energy setting both mob and village on  
fire... missing Filia totally.  
  
Xelloss: Kuso!  
  
Filia: What was that?!  
  
Filia turned around to see Lina and the others running away from the  
burning village and what looked to be screaming balls of fire attempting  
to extinguish themselves.  
  
.Filia turned around and was now flying towards Lina and the group.  
  
Xelloss: I guess she got the information  
  
Lina: I think were out of the barrier.  
  
Xelloss: Let's find out.  
  
Xelloss pointed his hand towards the village.  
  
Xelloss Shot a small ball of dark magic that exploded once it reached the  
village.  
  
Xelloss: Were out.  
  
Lina: XELLOSS... never mind .  
  
Amelia: Ms. Lina we just can't let the town be burnt to the ground.  
  
Lina turned to see a river flowing near the village.  
  
Lina: Amelia, Zel the river!  
  
Amelia: OK!  
  
Zelgadiss: Right!  
  
Lina, Amelia, and Gourry went to the river.  
  
Liana, Amelia, Zelgadiss: SEA BLAST!  
  
The river quickly turned into a giant wave rushing towards the village  
and drenched the village.  
  
Amelia: We did it.  
  
Lina: Yeah Amelia now we should run far, far away from here.  
  
Filia: Aaaaiiieee MY CLOTHES!! THOSE PERVERTED... SHOMBEN DE KAO WO ARATTE  
KOI.!?!.  
  
Everybody looked at Filia to see that her cape is gone and about one foot  
of her dress was torn off so you could see half her mace.  
  
Xelloss: NICE LEGS! Filia I never knew you had any!! But it looks like  
you need a shave!  
  
Filia pulled out her mace and beat Xelloss.  
  
Lina: Well Filia, deal with it, I have the information we need and I  
know where we need to go. It should take at least one day to get there,  
so lets go.  
  
Gourry: I can't move, must eat.  
  
Amelia: Me to.  
  
Zelgadiss: Well after running for our lives I could go for some food too.  
  
Lina: How can you be hungry? We need to get through this fic.  
  
Gourry: That's easy for you to say, I smell corn, and well done dragons  
tail all over you. With... PEPSI.  
  
Filia: Is this true, did you stop by a restaurant ?  
  
Lina: Hey it was free and I was hungry.  
  
Everybody gave her a evil look.  
  
Lina: Fine, Fine, the map says that their is a town we have to cross  
through and I got some money from a bandit earlier. Their should be a  
lake up a few miles so we can get some fish then go to the nearest town  
and get some real food.  
  
Gourry: YEAH!  
  
Zelgadiss: Fine.  
  
Amelia: OK!  
  
Filia: Fine with me.  
  
Xelloss: I'm full. ^-^  
  
  
  



End file.
